Is Your Parent Lonely? 10 Ways to Beat Elder Loneliness
“I don’t get out like I used to.” Many elders want to stay in their
own home, but that doesn’t mean they have to become isolated. As a
family member and caregiver, (www.caregiver.org) we not only care for
our elder-parent’s (www.elder-care.gov) physical needs, we have to
remember they have feelings, too. Loneliness, sadness, needing friends
and connection is as much (or more) important that medications and
physical therapy.
10 Ways to Beat Elder Loneliness:
1. Call every day. Call at the same time. A “Good Morning, Mom,
what’s for breakfast?” goes a long way to get the day off to a right
start. Call again at night. It doesn’t have to be a long call, but
consistency counts.
2. Create a routine. Grocery shopping on Monday. Bingo on
Tuesday. Don’t let one day pass without something to look forward to.
Vary the days. Have them getting out a few days a week, but do keep in
mind they may not want to be as active as you are.
3. Make technology easy. Radios, computer, games (my
mother-in-law loves Wii) hand-held Poker games, record TV programs and
watch them together later. Teach them how to use email. Input your
family’s and friend’s addresses. Even ask a few cousins, old friends,
and church members to email them first—just to get the ball rolling.
4. Call their church or other organization they’re active in and
ask if someone can come by for a monthly visit. People long to give
and creating connections is a two-way street. The person visiting will
get just as much out of a chat and a cup of hot tea as your mom or dad
will.
5. Get to know your parent’s neighbors. We’re shy. Busy. Don’t
want to be bothered. Whatever your excuse is, or your mom’s excuse, go
knock on a few doors and introduce yourself. The holidays are coming
up, bake cookies, take a bottle of wine, a card—whatever gives you the
excuse you need to strike up a conversation. Take your dad or mom with
you, or bring them back to your parent’s front porch. Most people want
to know their neighbors and feel terribly guilty about not reaching
out. Even if you meet a curmudgeon, move onto the next house—there’s
bound to be a neighbor or two who will at least smile and wave and
keep a friendly eye out for your parents.
6. Get a pet for your parent. Nothing, nothing beats a furry
friend. Even if your parent has never had one, try it. Adopt an older,
calmer dog, perhaps a smaller one that’s easy to manage. Yes, they’re
trouble but they’re so worth it. Again, my mother-in-law had never had
a dog in her life until one of her daughter’s asked her to dog-sit
whenever she had to travel for work. A few years later she moved and
the pup stayed with my mother-in-law. Kirby is her constant companion
and my mother and father-in-law dote over this dog and talk about him
all the time. I’m so glad they had time to get used to the idea and
tried it because now, Kirby gives them someone to care for and cuddle
with—and that’s a godsend for an elder who wants to give and receive
affection.
7. Visit regularly. Watch your favorite TV shows together on the
weekend. Order pizza. Go to the library together. Create a routine
that your loved one can look forward to and that’s built into your
“system.” Also create holiday traditions. Go to a pumpkin patch in
October. Apple picking. Black Friday. Picking a new angel ornament for
your Christmas tree. Christmas or Chanukah service. Champagne at the
stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Celebrations anchor us. We
depend on them and just because you’re an elder doesn’t mean you don’t
want to be included—so make sure as a caregiver you remember these
special events.
8. Get out often. Find ways for your parent to get out of the
house. Most communities have many senior and elder services
(www.seniorresourcesec.org) and offer transportation. They offer van
services for going to the movies, the mall, musicals and shows in
town, art museums, so don’t just think of the bus as a way to get to
and from the doctor’s—see what else they offer.
9. Find ways to give—together. The best way to beat the blues is
by giving. Go to a food pantry and volunteer (www.volunteermatch.org/)
a few hours together. Even if mom can only sit in her wheelchair, she
can sort, or greet people and hand out bags. Feeling needed is crucial
and it reminds us how good we’ve got it.
10. Keep them connected with friends. No one is as special as
your best friend. As we grow older, getting together with our best
buds may pose a problem. You may have to be the arranger. If your
mom’s best friend lives in a care home, then take her for a visit.
Give them some time alone. Help her call her friends, send cards.
Arrange a once a year luncheon with her closest gal-pals. Make sure
dad sees his guys as well. My dad had a circle of retired buddies, and
for years they met often at a fishing hole for a day of fishing and
gabbing. He looked forward to that day and rarely missed. It’s worth
the effort when you see their face light up at the sight of a dear
long-time friend.
Your loved one can’t do it alone. They need your input, your
creativity, and your energy. Caregiving a loved one isn’t just about
pills and appointments, it’s remembering that caring for someone means
looking at the whole person.
